Looking Back

Eighteen years seems a long time when you take it as a period of time. Eighteen years without seeing someone, for example. But when you look at eighteen as an age, it’s completely different. Life is only just beginning. The transition between childhood and adulthood is over, and we achieve all our rights as citizens of England. We fly the nest and create our own lives, separate from the shelter we grew up in. New hardships are exposed to us, but we deal with them, and come through stronger and more able than before. We become a part of our democracy with our right to vote, and pay for other people’s lifestyles through taxes. We pass driving tests, worsening our carbon footprint, and fly about the roads in cars. Then we suffer the dent that car insurance for younger drivers leaves in our bank accounts when we find we don’t have enough cash to go out “boozing” with mates on a free evening.

I turned eighteen eight months ago. Since then, I’ve been thinking about my life thus far; my childhood and adolescence.

I was born on December 11th 1989 at approximately 11am. I wanted to come out feet first apparently, so I was born by caesarean section. I’ve heard of research that claims I’m more intelligent because of how I was born. I’m not so sure I believe it.

A couple years into my life I caught a cold, which turned into an intense fever. My temperature rose so high that I stopped breathing. I was taken by ambulance to hospital, and was soon scoffing sweets, unaware that anything was wrong.

When I was roughly eight years old, my peers began to tease me, which turned into bullying. I remember being chased around my primary school, my desk being trashed, being threatened. The bullies were my peers, and so the same age as me. It’s depressing to think such young, innocent children can be so cruel.

Aged eleven and twelve, I experimented with drugs and lost my virginity while stoned. Good times. Also in my twelfth year of life, the bullies became even worse and I start self harming. I would go entire days in complete silence, enduring what was thrown at me, and taking it out on my wrists.

I found Green Day and rock music when I turned fourteen and found solace in the empathic lyrics. I still self-harmed but I felt less alone. Green Day, and other bands that I found around the same time led me to find friends while I was fifteen and sixteen.

I completed my GCSE’s and left high school at sixteen, as well as had my first real boyfriend, Matt. He had been a friend for years until he told me he loved me and we decided to become a couple. It lasted six months. He found someone else. I was devastated but I have come to realise I did not love him. I loved being loved. My best friend, Kirsty, introduced me to Josh in the hopes that I could help her convince Josh to take her back. Unfortunately, I managed to do just that as I started to fall for him. He hated me so I knew nothing would come of it. I put my feelings aside and looked forward. Kirsty and Josh lasted two weeks.

I turned seventeen and started college. I had a few crushes through this time. One, Jordan, was mostly lust. He cheated on his girlfriend with me. I eventually got sick of him. His girlfriend found out and dumped him anyway. She didn’t find out it was me.

That summer, Josh and I got together. I had finally fixed the internet and started chatting to him again. We met up for a few hours after his exam and that evening, we were a couple. I was happier than I had been in a long time. I went to Venice on an art trip, and found that Josh wasn’t waiting for me to come back. It ended the day after I arrived back in England. I slept with a friend called Dan as an attempt to fix the hole that Josh had left in my heart. When Josh found out, he told me he still loved me. I visited him, we had sex, and I went home feeling used. Then I met Lee.

Lee was a mistake from the beginning, although we lasted a while. He was a child, in twenty year old form. While I was seeing him, I reached my eighteenth birthday, the monumental milestone that sparked this piece.

Through Lee, I met Lurch who became my next boyfriend. I had mainly left Lee for Josh, as he had been begging for me back. But then I told him what I thought about him, and he demanded time to think about whether he wanted me or not. It was a mixture of pressures from several people and Josh that caused me to attempt to take my life. I wasn’t in hospital long.

In the time following this, I began seeing Lurch. It didn’t last as long as I would have liked, but it was a valuable experience. I learnt that I can’t let depression show. If I do, it pushes people away.

Immediately afterwards, Josh decided he wanted me and we got together again. It was rocky from the start. We broke up after two months, because he didn’t pay any attention to me. Again, devastated, but I moved swiftly on, looking forward to my A-Level results.
I achieved a B in art, a B in English Literature and a D in Psychology. It was better than expected. I’ve also concentrated on losing weight and getting myself healthy. Jogging twice a day and watching what I eat is doing wonders for my mood. I’m due to go to Venice again at the end of August, and start my Foundation Art course in September.

My future is less certain than I dreamed it would be at this age. I don’t know what university I want to go to, or what course to study. Should it be literature or art? Creative writing, or digital media? Do I become a teacher, or carry on to a Masters? Should I quit now and work? I don’t drink and can’t drive, so I’m not your typical eighteen year old student. I don’t have a job, and I spend all my time pretty much on my own. I wonder whether it will be like this forever, or will I actually find friends that I can go out drinking with, that I can have fun with. Will I ever get married, or I will just have a lot of cats that I consider my children?

I’m not an adult, as much as my age tries to pretend. I’m too young in heart and mind. I’ve too much that has yet to be lived as an adolescent. The under-age drinking, the fun, the sleepovers. I’ve missed all that. I’ve been too scared of my peers to experience these things. I’m being forced to grow up all of a sudden. I started writing this as something positive, but by depression, or by design, it’s turned into a negative bitch about the happenings in my “short” life.

I’ve made the choice to live the rest of my years to the fullest. I refuse to miss anymore experiences. As soon as I start university, I’m out of this house and into the big wide world. I have one more year to fill with childish delights, and then I will grow up and experience this world as an adult. I won’t waste the last year that I’ve been given.